Seriously though... IMDB???

Do you watch movies? So do I.

Do you use IMDB to look up the names of actors and directors? So do I.

You may have noticed that I included three whole question marks in my post's title, which signifies just exactly how important this subject is.

It all started with the first post on my friend Anthony's new blog. I was not until recently aware of this, but aparently, IMDB furbishes it's users with a 'greatest films of all time' list (and I use the term 'film' loosely, of course, because of the growing trend of movies being shot in HD, High Definition Digital Video, which actually would make them 'videos')

Now, who compiles this list? A team of critics? A very intelligent person? No, I tell you. You were WAY off. And not only were you way off, but you were DEAD WRONG.

It was compiled by 'regular voters'. What does that mean? This list was not compiled by people of any noted presige or wisdom, it was merely slapped together by those very people who have nothing better to do than sit around and click their mouse button on the internet all day. I mean, if I was the type of dumb bunny who did nothing but click on the internet with my mouse, would you listen to me? Okay, so maybe you don't listen to me in the first place. Still.

Rotten Tomatoes is bad enough. It gathers together a group of people who CLAIM to be film critics, and rates films by an average of their votes. "Okay Kevin," you say, "That seems to be reasonable enough." So it seems, but when you get reviewers who give Lady in the Water a bad review just because they didn't like Paul Giamatti's mustache... clearly these sort of reviewers tilt the scale away from truly GOOD films and toward hack films like 'Aeon Flux' or 'The Chronichles of Riddick' or 'Triple X' (again, I use the term 'film' loosely)

So who can we trust in a day and age when our former Vice Presidents are telling people that the world is going to go up in flames because of Global Warming? Well, not many people at all, I'll tell you that much.

But try visiting AFI's website. I mean, who wouldn't trust a group of learned individuals with words like 'Film' and 'Institute' in their name?

Or just ask me. I happen to know alot about films. You never know, I may have a better opinion than everybody else. It coudn't hurt to ask.

You can't say you were never warned.

Beware the terrors in the bathroom

You deserve to know things.

You just do. I know the commercials on TV will tell you that you deserve much more, a new car, a better insurance plan, etc. but I am going to venture out on a limb and say that you just deserve to know stuff.

I have proof. To quote a famous philosopher,

"The propensity of a person to live happily is greater than or equal to the sum of the difference, moretheless approximated to the amount of knowledge of stuff they have."
-A famous philosopher

There. now that that's out on the table, I think I ought to tell you about the Terrors in the Bathroom. "Why, Kevin?" you say. Well, because you ought to know.

First of all, you ought to know about The Ring. A creature of scum and villainy, it has a distinct tendency to sneak up on you, for it can remain camoflauged for up to several weeks before rearing it's ugly head.

Now, as one might suspect, the best way to rid your sink, toilet, etc. of a The Ring monster is... to clean the afforementioned sink or toilet. But be warned, The Ring has a natural aversion to being cleaned, and it has claimed it's fair number of victims.

The second and last beast I will mention here (I shall only mention two for the fear of terrifying small children and giving full-grown adults nightmares), is a tricky one, because All you typically see of this creature is bits of it's hair.

That's right. the beast I refer to is the Dreaded Shower Drain Monster (DSDM for short). This beast was forged from pure evil on the slopes of mount McKinley, and undoubtably entered our water supply from the meddlesome hands of the Crystal Geyser drinking water company, who regularly climb such mountains and search for spring water. But the greed of the water company stooges was insatiable, and they dug too deep on those slopes, releasing the Dreaded Shower Drain Monster into the world.

I'll warn you. you only ever see bits of this terrible creature's hair sticking out of the drain in your shower, so you may jump to the conclusion that this creature is, in fact harmless. That, my friend, is exactly what it wants you to think. It will wait until your spouse, roommate, or significant other yells at you to clean out the "gunk in the shower", at which time the beast has been known to attack innocent victims without warning. The results can be disasterous.

You can't say you were never warned.

Welcome to the Home of Rabid Chickens

Hello.

My name is Kevin and Alektorophobia is a word that means 'the fear of chickens'.

There. I've done it. Two facts that may come in handy to you while you read this blog. But now you are asking, "but Kevin (if that really is your actual name), why are you telling me about chickens? And why is the title of this blog called 'Rabid Chickens Attack!'?" Well, let me start by assuring you that the answer to both these questions are irrelevant. Perhaps equally irrelevant would be the question "Is it really possible to have a !'?" in a sentence?"

So before Sir Daniel Webster begins rolling in his grave, allow me to clarify a few things.

Fact - There are more chickens in the world than Humans.
Fact - The chicken can travel up to 9 miles per hour.
Fact - The longest distance flown by any chicken is 301 1/2 feet. (as the crow flies)
Fact - The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.
Fact - A rooster will attack anything that he deems worthy of attacking.
Fact - The closest living relative of the T-rex is the chicken.
Fact - Like its relative the T-rex, chickens are known for their ravenous appetites, large piercing claws and sharp, powerful teeth. They roam about, laying waste to the wilderness whilst ravenously devouring anything that gets in their way including cats, dogs, pigs, humans, llamas, pistachios, breakfast cereal, and small handheld electric saws. As a matter of fact, a chicken, once it has outrun you and trapped you and has you where it wants you, it will promptly defacate upon you and tell you to cancel your subscription to the electric company and switch to using chicken droppings as your main source of power.


This all relates back to my earlier comment about the fear of chickens. And with all this new information about chickens, who can blame you for being terrified of them? I am too. Ever since a rooster tried to eat me when I was a mere 7 years old, I have studied the evils of chickens, and especially rabid ones.

You can't say you were never warned.

Just so you know, the purpose of this blog is to make sure everyone is aware of the evils of this society, including but not limited to Rabid Chickens and small handheld electric saws.

So build an underground shelter, bar up your windows, stock up on raisins and roasted peanuts, and make sure to call your mother before...

Rabid Chickens Attack!!